literature

Dear Diary 2

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Dear Diary chapter 2

  • Wednesday, the 10th June 1986

Have you ever seen a man die, Sebastian?
I bet you haven't.
Today he shot a police officer.
The man broke down, gasping and throwing up blood. It sounded like the waste-pipe in the school-toilettes after flushing. Funny.
Then father ran into his room, grabbed everything in his reach and then stumbled to the car without looking back.

I'm sure he would have left me, if I didn't run after him, with my rucksack in one hand, jumping into the back of the car.
He would have left me there with this school-toilette-imitator on the floor.
He would have left me.
Not because he wanted to leave me on purpose.
No.
He forgot me.
He forgot me, Sebastian.
Like someone may forget his wallet or like forgetting to switch off the light, when leaving the room.

What am I to him, Seb? Am I anything at all?
Do I even exist in his world anymore?
I don't want to be ignored.
I don't want to be ignored, Sebastian.
If I were to die now, would anyone even notice it, beside you?
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  • Friday, the 12th June 1986

This mouldy hotel room stinks...
Father is phoning angrily with a lot of people at the moment.
He is pacing through the room like a nervous tiger.
I asked him what happened. He shouted at me to "shut the fuck up".
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  • Saturday, the 13th June 1986

Some men came with luggage moments ago.
Father's leaving- I talk to you later!
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  • Thursday, the 26th June1986

I hate father. I hate him!
Why is he so stupid?! Why do I have to suffer because of his lack of brain?!
I don't want to move, Sebastian. I just made allys here.
Why is father so dumb? So stupid to raise suspicion?
Now I sit here at the airport with one rucksack. One rucksack where all my life must fit in?
I hate him. He ruins all my plans.
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  • Friday, the 6th September 1986

Oh GOD!
I finally found you!!
And here I thought, I lost you due the fly!
God, Sebastian, it's so good to have you back! Never ever do that again!
You're my only friend here in this awful country! In the whole world.
I HATE it here. Sussex! Brighton! It's horrible!
The house is too small! The neighbours are too friendly! My father is too scared! He just hides in this new house and there are no women to beat up any more, no guests to insult or threaten! We're alone in this small, stupid house in the middle of nowhere!
He is a coward! And so stupid! Why did I ever think he was smart?!
And the school! God, I hate it there! This fuckin' Carl!
Damn this stupid sod!
I came in the classroom and before I even knew what was going on he already trusted my textbooks into the trash and shoved me into a bunch of squealing girls! They screamed and jerked back, avoiding me, like I had some kind of disease!
The bell... I have to open the door, father doesn't leave his rooms.
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  • Monday, 9th September 1986

I hate Carl so much.
I'm almost too ashamed to tell you. And you're my best friend!
You wanna know, right, Seb?
He stuck my head in the toilet today.
In the fucking toilet.
'Cause I'm the newbie. The green Irish idiot.
'Cause he doesn't like my accent. And he doesn't like my hair.
I told it father. You want to know, what he said?
"I don't have time for this now, John."
He called me John. John. JOHN.
HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME!
My fucking three letter-name! The god forsaken name he gave me!
He doesn't even recognize my existence anymore!
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  • Sunday, the 14th September 1986

Everyone is laughing at me at school.
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  • Monday, the 15th September 1986

Carl laughs the loudest.
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  • Tuesday, the 16th September 1986

Well, Brighton is not so bad, in the end, I think. The Sea is nice.
The pier, too. I wander around a lot, what should I do at home? Father doesn't care if I'm there or not, anyway.
It's nice, but lonely. No one is there to go with me to the beach, or to the museums or the library. Or anywhere else.
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  • Wednesday, the 17th September 1986

Carl told everyone that I'm a bastard without parents.
When I explained that every child logically has biological parents and even idiots like him should know, he pushed me into the thorn bushes on the playground.

Why did father not come to the parent-teacher conference? I hate him. I hate Carl.
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  • Friday, the 19th September 1986

Sometimes I run away from the school grounds to escape them.
I've found an abandoned warehouse. It looks like it will collapse every second.
I hide there sometimes. No one comes to get me back.
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  • Friday, the 26th September 1986

He tripped me up.
I fell on my face.
I managed to escape to the toilet, before crying.
Sebastian, I hate school.
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  • Tuesday, the 7th October 1986

My teacher wanted to talk to me today. She saw my black eye.
I didn't tell her about Carl. I don't need her useless help.
Yes, you heard it right, I don't need her help.
I don't need anyone's help.
They are never there, when I really need them. When they lock me into the girl toilets, when they beat me up behind the climbing frame, when they throw my rucksack into the ditch, when they steal my money or my homework. When they hold me down and cut my 'ugly irish-hair' with the school scissors and accidentally hit my ears or my nose with it. When two of them grab my arms and Carl has free access to kick and punch me as he pleases.
Anyhow, what would happen, if I told her?
Some useless conversation with Carl, maybe with his parents, my father would not show up anyway. And after that even more bullying for me. More threatening, so I would never dare to talk to anyone about it ever again.
No, Sebastian, I'm not so stupid to do this.
Besides, what would those stupid adults do to punish Carl for what he is doing to me?
Writing a thousand times 'Don't bully Jim' on the blackboard?
Oh no. That won't do.
I will punish him myself.
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  • Tuesday, the 21th October 1986

Happy birthday.
No one remembered.
I don't need anyone.
I'm fed up with humans. They're good for nothing.
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  • Wednesday, the 22th October 1986

Carl said, my mother was a bitch and my father is a wanker.
I told him, his father drinks and likes to beat him up. Which is (unlike his statement) the truth.
He locked me up in the broom closet.
But that day I found out something quiet interesting:
Carl looked confused for some seconds, when I told him about his father. He looked uncertain, even a little uneasy.
He was scared, Sebastian. He was scared of me, because I knew something about him. A secret. And he didn't know how I found out. And he didn't want me to tell anyone.
I like this feeling. Being terrifying. I felt a little powerful.
Just for some seconds. Before his face turned red and his fists clenched.
Powerful, Sebastian. My mind is my power. Now, I just need someone to protect it. Someone like Timmy back then. But no one wants to be friend with me, 'cause they're all scared of big Boss Carl.
I have to eliminate him myself first. When he is out of the way... Then, Seb.
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  • Thursday, the 30th October 1986

I like observing people. Studying them.
Most of them are so obvious. So predictable.
So easy to read. Even this sod, Carl.
It's direful to know so much, but being unable to use it. Or to tell anyone. No one wants to know anyway. No one wants to talk with me.
I'm always alone at school. You're the only one with me. I'll take you everywhere. Your my friend...
They're calling me 'creep' now. Everyone.
Jimmy the creep.
Someday, when I'm older and have more possibilities, I will give them the creeps.
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  • Friday, the 7th November 1986

It's snowing, Seb.
I wish I had someone to play with.
No one wants to play with me.
Sitting behind the window and watching the snow falling.
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  • Sunday, the 9th November 1986

I barely see father any more.
Sometimes he walks in the kitchen, when I'm eating.
He looks awful. He is pale, he drinks, he stinks like hell, he twitches at every sound and looks around like a scared squirrel.
Pathetic.
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  • Wednesday, the 26th November 1986

I have to do shopping, to cook, to wash, to clean up... Father is a moving jar of fear and panic. If I talk to him, he will explode like a Vulcan. He is annoying.
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  • Thursday, the 25th December 1986

Father is useless.
But at least I can use his money.
When I'm a little older, Seb, we will leave him, okay?
But for now I think it's the best, that he ignores me and hides in his room.
I can do what I want and as long as I'm not in his way in the morning, when he shuffles in the kitchen, everything is perfectly fine.
I don't want him to see me.
I don't want him to wish me a merry Christmas.
Or to decorate a Christmas tree with me. Or to eat with me in the evening, like all the other children do with their parents.
Fanfiction: BBC Sherlock (I own nothing)

Character: Jim Moriarty (child), later Sherlock

Pairing: Non (for now)

Summary: You never wondered why Moriarty is what he is? No one is born evil, right?

When Jim said, that he made Carl stop laughing, I wondered what his childhood could have been like (bullying and so on). I tried to imagine what could have caused Moriarty to transform into this mad psychopath XD This fanfiction is made out of Jim's entries in his diary 'Sebastian'. It begins in 1986, with Jim beeing 10 years old.

It's not beta-read, cause my betareader doesn't have time at the moment! When you find any mistakes, please tell me! :)
© 2012 - 2024 Zeiloo
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Less-Than-Obvious's avatar
:iconcryforeverplz: THIS IS SO SAD!!!!!! Poor little Jimmy.