Dear Diary 3

Dear Diary chapter 3

• Sunday, the 28th December 1986

Why am I so alone?

Yes. Sebastian, you're right. You're here.
Everything will change, soon. I will make it change. I don't believe in miracles, I will do it myself.
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• Monday, the 5th January 1987

Something funny happened today in school.
Yes, in school! Very unusual, yeah, but whatever-

During the break, I ran back into the school building (Carl chased after me again) and I wanted to hide in one of the classrooms. The door wasn't locked, so I ran inside and then - That was just so great, Seb:
I saw Mrs Stuart with Mr Brown snogging the life out of each other!
You want to know why this is good?
Well, Seb, 'cause Mrs Stuart is married and has two children and Mr Brown (who is by the way 15 years older), our dear schoolmaster is married, too. And I saw them snogging. I saw them cheating on their partners.
You should have seen their faces, as I burst in their dirty, little love-scene! Priceless!
And what they said! What they said, Sebastian!! God, I'm still laughing my ass off!
I will write it down for you, 'kay?

Mrs Stuart almost jumped out of the window as she and Mr Brown turned towards the door, where I stood and she saw me over his shoulder.
"Jimpfh!" she screamed in Browns mouth and jerked away from him, immediately trying to rearrange her white blouse. Brown flew around and stared at me in horror, face red and eyes wide and pure terror replacing the arousal from seconds ago. They stared at me for a good couple of seconds; I could literally see their brains catching fire from freaking out inwardly.
Then Brown and she exchanged glances and they approached me, smiling (or trying the best they could manage). Mr Brown cleared his throat and while Stuart fiddled with her hair, he rubbed his chin and his smile widened. They were so nervous; I really needed all my will-power to not laughing at them and their foolish behavior.
"Hey, Jim... ehm... what're you doing... here?" Brownie began with the most smooth voice he could effort. I closed the door behind me and smiled innocently at them.
I had to act like an 11 year old. Well, at least a little bit...
"You kissed." I replied sillily and tipped my head to the site.
Mrs Stuart bit her lip and Brown, getting pale sighed wearily.
"You kiii~ssed!"
I had so much fun teasing them, Seb!
"Jim- You.. Listen, okay, Jimmy? This... was..." my teacher stuttered and fumbled with her blouse again.
"You're married to other partners and you still kissed. That's bad, isn't it?" I asked innocently and I couldn't hide my glee any more.
"Wha- But-but... Jim!" Stuart squeaked and threw a desperate glance to Mr Brown.
He stepped forward and leaned down to me with a faked laugh and petted my shoulder. "You won't tell anyone, okay, Jim?"
Until now I just thought it was fun, but then he said something he better hadn't.
"That's adult business, kay? Nothing for kids. Why don't you just forget what you saw and go play with the other kids?"
Adult business, Sebastian.
Adult business. Oh really? Well, then I better start acting like one of those detestable, back-stabbing, untrustworthy adults, too.
"When they know what you did, they will be very upset, right?" I asked, gritting my teeth. Well, they thought I was a stupid kid? One of those idiots on the playground? Someone who didn't understand what was going on, hm?
Oh, Seb, I showed them that I understood exactly what was going on.
"When I tell them, you will be in trou~ble." I giggled as I saw the horror in their eyes. "When the other teachers know, you will get fii~ired."
"Jim!" "You can't!"
They protested and I laughed a little. It was such a great feeling. So unbelievably great.
They didn't ignore me. I had all their attention. All their horror and fear and rage. And they were so helpless; they could do nothing, because I'm only an innocent child.
Threatening people is the best.

Well, Seb, now I get every book I want, can go to the library at every time, I get every information about the other pupils and the other teachers, free access to the computer room and I got my own keys for the school. And of course top marks, without working for it. Oh! And money. And they do what I ask them to. If I want something I can't get because of my age, they will get it for me.

They wince whenever I cross their sight.
God, it's so funny. The laughing bubbles up my throat and I have to giggle every time I just think about those idiots!
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• Thursday the 15th January 1987

I can get everything I want, Sebastian.
Everything.
I only need to threaten people!
I only need to know their dirty secrets.
When I'm older I can threaten everyone. As a child, I have to be cautious who I blackmail with what.
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• Monday, the 9th February 1987

Seb, I'm not totally sure, but I think father takes drugs.
He smiled yesterday, when he entered the kitchen and saw me eating my pancakes. He even laughed, when he saw the snow outside the window. He asked himself aloud what month it was.
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• Sunday, the 1st March 1987

Sorry, that I don't have time for you at the moment, Seb.
But I have to read a lot. Not for school, for myself. For my future... for all the things I will do when I have the chance.
Reading is great. It increases my imagination. And I like the computers in the school. It's fascinating how they work.
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• Wednesday, the 18th March 1987

Chemistry.
Physics.
Biology.
Criminal psychology.
Behavioural psychology.
I need to know more to control everything around me.
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• Friday, the 20th March 1987

Mr Brown is such a profitable source! He supplies me with all kinds of chemicals!
It's so much fun to test, to analyse, to experiment!
I can produce poison, Sebastian. Real poison that can kill people.
I tried it on the neighbour's dog. The one, that always barks too early in the morning.
It succeeded.
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• Saturday, 25th April 1987

The books are good company.
But sometimes I'm lonely all the same, Seb.
Today I wanted to talk with George. He is one of my classmates. His father is police-officer. It would be beneficial to be friends with him.
Carl saw us talking and he beat up George. Well, me, too... Whatever, that's routine.
Of course he doesn't want to speak with me anymore. Coward.
And fuckin' Carl.
Who does he think he is?
Deciding whether I'm allowed to have friends or not?
I will decide, whether he is allowed to live or not.

Oh and I opened a bank account for me. Of course I faked fathers signature, silly you! Wasn't that hard really, those people are so dump! I can't believe they're handling with money of other people, they are so stupid. It surprises me sometimes... Well, whatever. Brown and Stuard donate the money to my account now, that's safer. Oh and I tapped fathers account, too.. It's not like he needs the money, anyway! And I will need it in the future!
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• Saturday, the 9th May 1987

My plans for the future help me survive school.
It got a bit better after Stuarts and Browns accident, 'cause I have keys now and most of the time I can escape Carl and his gang. But not every time.
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• Monday, the 11th May 1987

I found Carl's records today. Life can be lucky sometimes.
He has Xerotic eczema. Found his kryptonite.
Seb, time to celebrate!  
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• Saturday, the 16th May 1987

They called me gay today.
I never thought about that before.
Well, Sebastian, do you know?
I think women are brainless jars, filled with pathetic screaming and crying and they were only good for getting my father to laugh with me back then.
Does this make me gay?
I don't think so.
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• Wednesday, the 20th May 1987

They are all calling me gay now.
Jim, the creepy gay geek.
They are so childish.
I loathe Carl... So much... Just because this gorilla learned a new word he had to insult me with it?
And what is his problem anyway? Is there something wrong with being different?

Pah! Who the hell even wants to be like everyone else?
Does he think he is perfect? Just because he is all tall and handsome and good in swimming? What's so great about bullying me, someone who is a year younger and 20 centimetres smaller? Is he proud of his behaviour?
Seb, why are all humans so detestable?
Isn't there a single person for me in this world?
Someone like me?
Someone who understands me?
Yeah, thank you Seb, someone who isn't a book.
Nagh, don't be offended, you know what I mean.
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• Thursday, the 11th June 1987

Sorry, it took so long, my fingers needed some time to heal after getting trampled down from him.
Summer holidays started yesterday, Seb.
I love holidays. I don't have to go to school and I won't see Carl for two months. Two months break from bullying, mobbing or whatever the pedagogues call it. I would call it hell.
Whatever. I have a lot of books from the school library, my own computer (thank you, Mr Brown) and time for my studies and experiments.
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• Sunday, the 14th June 1987

I recognized the man that visited today. I let him in, 'cause (you know) father doesn't leave his room.
Father wasn't happy to see him. Maybe I shouldn't have let him in...

He's still here. Right now, I can hear them arguing downstairs. I would like to know about what... But it would be more than reckless to eavesdrop dangerous people.
Yeah, he is dangerous, Seb, and I'm not stupid enough to risk my life just to hear him ripping apart father.

They are shouting...
There is noise… It's loud. Something broke... I don't know what. Sounded like something big... Maybe a lamp?
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• Monday, the 15th June 1987

He left in the night. I'm afraid of going downstairs.

It's too quiet.
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• Sunday, the 21th June 1987

Father didn't come out since the visitor left.